Things have been busy, hectic, crazy hereabouts lately, and I feel so far behind in my blogging. Yesterday’s training recap is in progress, as are both from last week. I will most likely post them out of order, because last week was a train wreck with injuries and the emotions were kind of dark and dreary and a variation of negative girl – angry, emotional girl – was at the helm. I do want to get them finished and posted, though, because it’s important to me to maintain this record of my journey.
But as an aside, I belong to a Facebook group as part of a weight loss program. While this has been a thing for me for about the last 6 months, it as if someone suddenly plugged me in and powered me up. As it was when I started training with J, once I make the decision to move forward with something, I pull off the blinders and get gazelle intense about it. Such is the case right now with my healthy eating.
While I imagine there will be more written in this blog about it going forward, I wanted to memorialize a couple of posts I wrote for this group about what’s going on with me and with food this week. This is from Monday morning:
Crazy work week this week – 11 to 4 at a client’s office. No plans to break for lunch, so having to do lunch shake at 10 and then eat my lunch apple around noon while I work. I’m trying to plan ahead, because this client always has home baked muffins or brownies or other sugary goodness in their break room, plus a tempting snack box and assortment of sodas. I am bringing my own water bottle and will refill from their cooler, but going to do my best to stay out of their break room and avoid any/all temptation. Ugh. Just thinking about it now is giving me food anxiety.
Funny part of this – I had this engagement scheduled for over a week and had not really thought about the culture of their office. Every single time I have been there, their break room is a sugar addict’s version of Hell. Cookies, brownies, pies, cake – always something yummy. Or there is home baked bread and honey butter, or muffins or cinnamon rolls. The business owner’s mother loves to bake and makes this stuff and he dutifully brings it in every day. What’s worse, there is a subtle pressure to partake, and a real sense you have offended him/his mother by refusing even the smallest taste.
My discipline with food is nonexistent right now. I know this about myself, that moderation is not a word I can successfully utilize when it comes to me and foods I love. Right now, avoidance is my only option. By obsessing about it and making a plan in advance, I felt more fortified to decline. I even told the owner that I am diabetic and my doctor has me on a pretty strict eating regimen that has me watching my macros and absolutely no gratuitous sugar. Doesn’t matter that I have no idea what “my macros” are for me, but it sounded really official and ominous. And I was able to successfully report the outcome last night.
Survived the day at the foodie client site with just my apple and several refills of my water bottle. I was able to escape the apple pie, blueberry cobbler, and homemade vanilla ice cream. Second workout and saw my friends, now home for a BAS (big ass salad) for dinner. Hopefully I don’t have to ask Dr. Spencer for doctor’s note to avoid having the conversation that no sugar, no carbs really does mean no sugar, no carbs.
Maybe not everyone needs an outlet, but I find the need to talk about and write about my struggles, setbacks, and ultimately, my successes is part of my process. I credit blogging with being an integral part of getting me off the couch and in the gym every day. Otherwise I’d probably have to train with J every day he works and paying my therapist to let me bleed out my insecurity week after week.
The FB group is extremely helpful for me right now, because we are all striving to follow the same pretty strict kick-start program based on protein shakes as meal replacements twice daily and one reasonable meal. For anyone thinking that’s not sustainable for the balance of our years, it’s not meant to last forever and ever. However, it is meant to be a jumping-off point to teach us how to make better, healthier food choices and curb our cravings for fat, sugar, carbs, processed food, etc. Such critical commentary is partly why I rarely (read: never) discuss this stuff with anyone outside of J and a couple of others in my life who understand that food remains a big giant trigger for me.
But I’m sharing some of my own FB posts here because I think its valuable for me in the long haul, and maybe someone else who reads this will find some value or insight with their own mindset and struggles.
As context for this next message, M and I are heading for the state fair today. Like all fairs and festivals, the food offerings are all essentially crap. High in sugar and fat, and ridiculously expensive to boot. But it’s a fun tradition for M and I, something we look forward to doing every year. This is what I posted about it:
This is apparently my week for needing extra food help and ideas. My husband and I are headed for the state fair tomorrow, and it has traditionally been the one time per year I gleefully overindulge in super junky fried food and sugary treats. That said, this is my year for beginning new traditions, so I am mentally preparing my game plan tonight.
We’re going midday, so I’ll have been through my gym workout in the morning and be fully fortified with my lunch protein shake and apple. I’ll be drinking a lot of water or unsweetened iced tea while we stomp around through the exhibits. Because this is a fun even we look forward to every year, I am planning one midafternoon snack food purchase – the fresh fruit on a skewer dipped in chocolate, only without the chocolate.
I am surfing a 5-day streak of 90% on track with the program – homemade pasta last night at a friend’s home was my glaring glitch. Hubby’s skill with food moderation and restraint is far more powerful than my own, and he has agreed not to tempt me with french fries or corn dogs and does not like the roasted corn on the cobb – traditional favorites for me. He has a meeting tomorrow night, so I’ll likely be in the gym doing a huffy-puffy (cardio-based) practice and then home for a reasonable dinner.
Any and all tips, strategies, thoughts are welcome. This make-a-plan stuff seems to actually be working for me. Who knew?
Some of the replies were very thoughtful and helpful and representative of a hopes and suggestions to utilize a “flexibility of mindset” regarding food. Intellectually, I get the concept. Emotionally, I am not there yet. This final message is my thought for the day:
I like the concept of the mindset of flexibility, and it is certainly something I hope to develop in time. Despite having been part of this group since February, it’s only been the last week or so that I have truly decided that I want to gain some control and mastery over my eating and nutrition. For me, weight loss is almost an afterthought, a by product of better food choices and more balance in my eating habits. What I want most is to develop a reasonable relationship with food, where my habits of a lifetime do not short circuit my ability to make wise decisions about what my body and long-term health require to function optimally. This week is representative of challenges that occur for me a few times each year. I’m doing 1000% better because I’m thinking about what lies ahead and trying to strategize in advance, so when faced with the actual choices, I will not simply react and eat crap food but be prepared to consider the consequences of my choices. Next year, next fair season will likely be very different. But right now, I’m surfing a learning curve. It’s like my first weeks in the gym, trying to learn a basic goblet squat and not getting it at all. At that time I would meet with my trainer weekly but not practice in between, and every time he would go through goblet squats with me again it would be reinventing the wheel. Once I decided I was serious about learning exercise fundamentals and began practicing on my own between sessions, I got better. Now, seeing “goblet squat” on my training program of the day does not make me stop and think about what is required of me to make it happen. Time and practice – I believe I can make the same habits happen with eating. But right now I am thinking about it, talking, reading and writing about it to strengthen my resolve to educate myself about my own body and making better, smarter choices with food.
To date I have been very sparing with my posts on diet and nutrition, because I have been very wishy-washy and inconsistent with my efforts in this regard. I am presently very engaged in trying harder, and it is neither pleasant nor easy to eat in this manner. However, exercise was the same at first – hated it, dreaded it, wanted more than anything not to have to do it. Persistence in pursuit of consistency has its rewards, and I have fallen madly in love with my daily exercise routines. Yep, exercise-hating woman ha learned to fully embrace the ways body responds to movement and increasing strength and capability. The process has had a lot of unexpected lessons as well; it has taught me about myself and my own adaptability, that I am not such an old dog incapable of learning new tricks. It is difficult to imagine a world where I love vegetables more than a cookie, but I know it is possible for me to develop the reflex and “muscle memory” to be more habitual in bypassing the cookie without pangs of loss shooting through my heart and mind. Or being mindful and conscious of the why when I choose to indulge and have the cookie.
The adventure continues. I’m excited to see where I take me next.