Like my life depends on it (day 27)

I have lots of questions. Sometimes the answers are simple, often they are more complicated and lead to even more questions. Perhaps it is the ongoing search for answers that keeps me questing on multiple fronts.

Of late, I am been feeling slack-ish in my better health quest pursuits. Even before friend J’s passing, I was not feeling as gung-ho and in-it-to-win-it as I judge is my minimum participation factor. About myself, I know how inherently lazy I am. Or as J puts it (so nicely and diplomatically when speaking of the body and it’s tendencies), efficient. To be fair and balanced to myself, I am never going to be as tough or as competitive as others. Maybe I could evolve into someone who is tougher and more competitive, but in the present moment, I am not. And it’s okay. They are okay, and so am I.

Today I wanted to be better. I wanted to see myself as doing better, completing my List with good intention and level of effort as well as good form and normal weight and rep ranges. Lofty ambitions? Not really. Normal ambitions.

But as is always the case, I was thinking about it pretty carefully while going through my List of the day this morning. I had resolve to go through full sets and rep ranges and do the ramp up sets as noted. Thinking about the whole “if my life depended upon …” finishing this set with full rep ranges, doing another set will full rep ranges, not stopping, not resting, not pausing until it was done mostly worked pretty well.

It was an interesting theory and mental training exercise. Mindset is hard. Staying focused, staying consistent, staying with it when I want to stop – it is not easy transformative process. My more comfortable, comforting conclusion is that this process is a process, not a destination. And as in all things in human hands, the process is not a perfectly straight line from here to there. It is an imperfect zig-zag, and understanding that makes me feel better. Always there is a desire for a clear roadmap, because I am a minor league control freak. My fuzzy-muddy acceptance of this fact makes it easier to not loosen the reins on negative girl and turn her loose to thrash me for my human imperfections.

I did well with the bigger stuff and 5 sets of everything until the last block. At the end of it all, the ab work was my undoing. I really, really wanted to do my prescribed 2 sets of planks and floor chops (Otis ups and chopper sit-ups combination) with predetermined maximums of 60 seconds and at least 8 full sets of the floor chop series. Second set, I collapsed on the floor after 25 seconds and was so over after 5 of the floor chops. Another go-round with the planks and then a few more chops and I was so done for the day. I feel great about my effort, and I did learn a little bit about my mindset.

Mostly, my mental focus is not the same as other ladies and people I know. This is a neutral thought, neither positive or negative. However, it does give me other objectives to contemplate while I am pursuing my Lists or working with J or with my gym pals.

I do work hard. I enjoy my daily dosage of exercise, even if I am not the peppiest or most enthusiastic of gym members. I try for steady consistency, and today took me 90 minutes to get through the List working steadily and as efficiently as I could muster with the additional sets. My distraction factor was better today as well.

I’m very sad still. Grief takes awhile to process anyway, but in my compartmentalized way it seems to be a less efficient process.

But I’m happier today. Someone I like and love like a brother is gone from my present day reality, but better health is all about me, for me. Letting go of that goal or allowing detours to disrupt me, that’s all about me as well. As I have said many times before, I’m not that woman anymore. Better, stronger, more determined than when I took the first step more than 2 years ago.

I am proud of me and my ability to pick myself up, dust myself off, continuing the forward steps. And use a 50 lb. dumbbell for 3 sets of goblet squats. Big triumph that still makes me happy inside.

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