PT-83: Practicing wrinkles

I’m still working out issues with my blog. It’s a long slog, and so insanely frustrating. But a consequence of that is that I am learning an awful lot about the under-the-hood technicalities of owning and maintaining a blog.

Because of this inability to feel “heard” in the world at large, my writing has trickled down to a minimal few sentences that are laced with a “woe is me” tone to them. Or I send out massive texts with an edge of whining desperation. It does not help that my anticipated quiet Thanksgiving week for work-work was like exploding popcorn kernels left and right. It is a good problem to have, but I would like everything to just be neat, tidy, and work the way it is supposed to be working

Training continues, even if recaps have slowed to nonexistence. It has provided some opportunities for me to contemplate how to set myself up for writing in the new year.

The format I’ve been using works pretty well, but I need to tweak it a bit. I think.

But I’m still thinking about it.

There is a big, giant part of my brain that likes consistency and streamlined organization. I like things that are reliable and work the way I expect them to work. Same is true of this kind of blogging about training. I do this twice a week, with the same trainer. I always want to talk about the List of the day. If I have some big, little, or no breakthroughs I want my enthusiasm and excitement to bleed over and onto these pages. There is always a bunch of mish-mash thinking that may have little to do with what we did that day but everything to do with memory and remembering for the future.

My practice feels as if it has suffered in my blogging absence. While it may sound like blah, blah, and more blah to you to read, to me its notes on the experience that cements the instruction and brings back a broad range of little details that would be lost in translation.

Not blogging about it – I’m experiencing the “lost in translation” feeling of it.

While my inner negative girl might want to whisper that my lack of focus and memory is putting me into a position of losing my good standing in the training tribe, I know she’s full of shit. I still go to the gym. I still practice. I still work f**king hard and am putting forth the effort to improve.

And I am the only one this level of frustrated that I cannot recall all the interesting details I learn in session.

So yeah, my posts run longer than many blogs I read and follow, now or in the past. Perhaps I need to remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy in all aspects of life, even blogging. Having more or less to report and talk about is not a bad thing.

In that vein, I began a training recap on Friday and did not get it finished. But it was a good start.

From Friday, November 24, 2017 (PT-83)

While blog tinkering continues, so does the writing. I have some time today to write a recap, so I am taking advantage of it.

It is the Friday after Thanksgiving, and as seems to be a evolving tradition I was training with J. In my recap absence we have continued our quest to teach/learn new training techniques, and we are venturing forth into a new phase of increasing strength by focusing on intensity. Or so it seems, anyway. Honestly, November has been a bit of a mess with regarding to training and schedules. There is no fault in that statement either. J was away for a week on vacation for 2 sessions (Thursday one week, Monday the next), and I am the person who needs more structure and predictability. This week was Thanksgiving, so rather than getting back to normal Monday and Thursday, we were Monday and Friday. For whatever reason, it does not work as well inside my own head. Thankfully regularly scheduled programming resumes next week for a few weeks, until the Christmas holidays interrupt again for vacation and such.

I sort of hate the holidays. The weight of expectations associated with them would suffocate me if I allow it, and I do cling to my routines to help me get through the effusive and feels-fake happy-happy-joy-joy that seems to be pumped into the air around me. My plan is to keep my head down and to view the season as a bit of an endurance test with an abundance of flashing, blinking, twinkling lights that light up the nights. I am an enthusiastic consumer of holiday light displays and all the bright and shiney bling that accompanies it.

Sometime in November, we began this new phase of training where J is working with me on focus and intensity. It came up on Monday with upper body, where I really focus on pretensioning and feeling the weight move with the tension in the muscles working versus just whatever limb happens to make the process most expedient. I am doing a poor job of explaining it, but trust me, when you are in the moment with weight in hand, it becomes a lot more a self-explanatory and illustrative. It’s not a zoom-zoom-zoom, peppy-peppy pacing type thing either, much more slow, deliberate, and contemplative.

We started this newest training wrinkle last Thursday, emphasized and enhanced it on Monday, where it has caught fire in my imagination and daily practice thinking. To be sure, for me, this type of focus and intensity does not come naturally, and it feels like I may need a lobotomy (to cut away more natural inclinations) and a transplant (to input the new behaviors). Of course, that type of thinking and feeling is not new either; after 2+ years of training and learning with J, I am accustomed to feeling both inadequately prepared and completely empowered simultaneously.

It takes practice. At the end of every session, I realize that there is no natural talent involved here to learn and acquire new skills. I have the teaching, I can and will gain mastery. I just have to practice.

And as I am typing along, I realize this is not really a typical training recap. With the blog being kinda/sorta out of commission, too, it seems a good time to launch somewhere new. Yet I am still thinking about it. The framework is ready and posts could begin, yet I am not quite ready to completely abandon the very frustrating migration effort.

And now it’s Monday

Another training day with J. It was fun. It was exhilarating. It had more wrinkles. But mostly, it deserves it’s own post.